We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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