It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
