he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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