is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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