Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
