Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
