remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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