If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
