That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
