I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When are your genitals available?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
