There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
