I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
