Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
