my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
