i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
