then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
