i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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