oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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