Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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