he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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