Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
