but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
