I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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