When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We need to rekindle our bromance
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
