I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
