I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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