She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
