Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
