I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
