Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
