I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
