I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
