There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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