We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is it penis luge time yet?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
