3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
