nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
