Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
