No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
