Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
