she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
