when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
