party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
