At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
