i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sorry about my life...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
