You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
