What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Too much gin, very little bucket
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
