They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
