Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
