I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
