OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
